Smutly's Blog

"Your Name in Japanese"

A woman was in a coma for several months when, while carrying out her daily sponge-bath, the nursing staff noticed a minor response as they washed her genitalia. At first they put it down to REM but, as they repeated the same motion, they realized it was more than that.

The woman’s husband was summoned and the situation was explained to him by the treating physician.

“We believe that your wife is very close to regaining consciousness,” he explained. “We think that perhaps a little oral sex will be enough to do the trick.”

“That’s fantastic,” said her husband, clearly overcome with the thought. “After all this time I am really looking forward to having my wife back.”

“That’s great. We will hang a sign on the door and leave you alone with your wife and we will see if this produces the results we all want. It is important, however, that you take things slowly and carefully. Just press the nurse call button when your wife opens her eyes because there will be some tests we need to carry out to check for any long-term damage, etc,” explained the doctor.

“No problem. I hope this works.” said her husband, clearly excited.

So they were left alone for a while and the nurses all congregated around the nurses station awaiting the inevitable summoning buzzer.

About 15 minutes later the whole scene changed dramatically as lights started flashing and warning buzzers alerted the staff to a situation in the woman’s room. The doctor and a handful of nurses all converged on the room to find that the woman had, in fact, flat-lined!

As the nurses prepared adrenaline and charged up the paddles the doctor took her husband aside and asked what had happened in the room.

“I honestly don’t know,” said her husband, clearly surprised. “But, if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say she choked!”

"Your Name in Japanese"

A vampire back arrives back at the roost with his face, mouth and teeth covered in blood! All the other bats get really excited and ask where he got it all from.

“Follow Me!” he says.

Off they flew, over the hills, over the river and into the dark forest.

“See that tree over there?” he asks them all.

“Yes…” they reply.

“Well I fuckin’ didn’t!”

"Your Name in Japanese"

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer – it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these? Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain…good!

"Your Name in Japanese"

Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day…why? I don’t know…work with me here.

They come across a lantern and, as they wipe the dust from it, a Genie pops out.

“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total and that’s how us Genie’s roll”, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.”

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie takes a seat on the ground, cracks a beer, lights a smoke and says, “I am curious, Genie. Please, tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.  Nothing can get in or out – it’s virtually impenetrable.”

The Aussie thinks about this for a moment, smiles and says to Osama “That’s good, very clever Osama. Hey Genie, fill it with water.”

"Your Name in Japanese"

Evidence of the extraordinary longevity of tattoos has finally been discovered, in a mummified Mayan female whose panoramic tattoos have lasted almost two thousand years.

Tattoo artists were ecstatic at the discovery, immediately citing the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, you can forget about upkeep.

On the other hand, those who have decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colorful self-mutilation, were widely distressed by the discovery. As one man with a prominent tattoo on the pierced tip of his nose told us, “I suspect when I’m finally old enough to feel really stupid about this tattoo it’ll still be here. Now, I know if I want to get rid of it, I’ll have to fork over the bucks for plastic surgery.”

Curiously enough, the mummy’s bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety of, hardly motherly, clubs were also found buried with her.

An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tender sentiment and weaponry by stating, “My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.”